All is not well in the small mining town of...aww fuck, I can't remember, but just know that all is not well in town, damn it! Valentine's Day hasn't been celebrated in twon for nearly twenty years since a grizzly accident occured twenty years ago at the old, mine shaft where every young man works in this shithole of a town. It just so happens that twenty years ago, while several workers were still in the mine, the shaft supervisors decided to leave early for the dance in town before checking up on the men below. Naturally, disaster struck when methane gas ignited in the shaft and buried the men in the mine for nearly six weeks while the town attempted to dig them out. Once they reached them, only one man remained alive, Harry Warden, who had stayed alive by eating the rotting flesh of his fellow mine workers...ALRIGHT! By the next Valentine's Day, Harry returned, donned in his mine workers uniform (complete with mask no less...he looks like a Techno Viper), for revenge and proceeded to cut the hearts out of the two negligent supervisors and place them ever so lovingly in a heart shaped candy box that was poeticly placed on the punch table at the Valentine's Dance. Flash forward twenty years and the twon's teenagers are HORNY. Ok, some things never change but the town hasn't celebrated Valentine's Day in twenty years and the young couples of the town are determined to have a Valentine's party no matter what the cost. Let just say that ol' Harry has a problem with this and what you have is a setting for one of my favorite horror flicks from the days of yore!
Now I know that you are all breathlessly wanting to know why this movie rocks ass. For starters, the movie starts out with a man in a mining suit with some big tittied 80s slut in a MINE SHAFT getting ready to get it on. Apparently, though, our mysterious masked friend doesn't enjoy having his breathing tube stroked as he proceeds to plant a pickaxe in her tit. Now I don't know about you, but Eagle Te believes that that is one hell of a way to start a movie! Angela gives it ten cool points. Example two: the cast of characters in this movie are completely awesome and include standard horny 80s teens (so their Canadian...that means you can cheer when they die!), a kick ass sheriff who is also master of the combat stutter step (to see what I mean check out the scene near the end when he races for the mine shaft), an old, crazy bartender that warns the town of impending doom at the hands of Harry Warden (his kill is simnply hysterical), a grandma who bites it in a laundrymat after recieving a rhyming Valentine of doom (her corpse gets cooked in a dryer! It's one of the nastiest and funniest kills in the movie!), and a killer dressed up in a miner's uniform with gas mask that not only kills but rhymes. RHYMES? Try this rhyme on for size (this isn't made up, it's in the movie I swear!) "It happened once...It happened Twice....cancel the dance or it will happen THRICE!" YEA' BOYYYYYYYY! The rhymes are so bad that they will have you rolling on the floor in pain and add alot to this already kick ass flick. All this together adds up to twenty five cool points according to Jennifer Love Te. Finally, the majority of the mayham in this movie takes place inside the mine shaft as that is where the partying teens go. As we all know, location in these movies is half of everything and the use of the mine shaft for the chases and stalking by our friend Harry (or is it?) is simply genius. So, setting (and the fact that I LIKE IT) gives this movie an extra twenty cool points, adding up to a total of 50 cool points...more than enough to earn you a shot in the eye from my Te-zer, a ride on the old Wooden Man, or the chance the feel the weight of my cock in your hand!
My Bloody Valentine stands as one of the better horror movies to come out of the early eighties as it incorporates awesome characters, intensely cool and original settings, and one of the coolest killers I've seen since Syphilis. The only drawback in this film is the gore which doesn't flow with the proper disregard for taste that it should have. This doesn't detract from the overall effect of the kills though which are quite refreshing in their humor! Definitely check this one out but be more prepared for a movie that tries to be serious and therefore ends up being funny as shit! Any closing comments, my bitches?
Angela: "Naw, I just want to taste that cock!"
Jennifer Love Te: "Let's FUCK!"
EAGLE TE APPROVES!!!!!!!!!!
-Eagle Te
Mr. Paul: "There's a killer on the loose, let's go fuck in
the abandoned mine shaft until this all blows over."
Z-man: "The jack-booted, gasmask wearing maniac is fucking great in this flick and is very easy to stand up and cheer for. Of course, that's only because he's hunting down Canadians. Slow moving at times, but unintentionally funny in enough places to be considered a genuine lost classic of the Toltec Civilization. Now who wants a pickaxe in the tit?"
Eagle Te: "An excellent horror flick that must be viewed in the
same spirit as PIECES to be truly enjoyed. It happened once, it happened
twice, yo, Angela, go to the fridge, and get me a SLICE!"
