BATS
Year: 1999
Rated: PG-13
Run Time: 86 minutes
Production Company: Hump 'n' Pump Enterprises
Director: Louis Morneau (Carnosaur 2, The Island of Doctor Morneau)
Starring:Lou Diamond Phillips, Dina Meyer, and Leon
T & A: What part of PG-13 don't you understand, bitch?
It's: One Of Ours!

About a month ago, I was watching handicapped children playing MAGIC: THE GATHERING on PAX TV when all of a sudden a commercial for "WHEN BATS ATTACK IV" came on. I thrilled to a scene of Barry Bonds using a baseball bat to beat the shit out of a Jamaican snowboarder he caught selling bootleg POKEMON paraphenalia at E3 . Then the screen (poly)morphed into an image of BATTRA breaking his own nose while attempting to toss VOLTRON's salad in a low-earth orbit. Then I saw a clip of Jennifer Lopez hitting a camel in the dick with a pie. I don't know exactly what the fuck that last scene had to do with bats attacking... but it moistened more than my towelette. One thing was for sure (cowabunga) dude, my totally tubular ass was there. That was last month...

And you know, I never did see that fucking documentary. Oh sure, I saw the episode of THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS where they travel up Timmy's inflammed vas deferens and sang-a-long with a grumpy prostate.... I even watched the Spanish Channel one weekend just to see the hot women. My favorite show was "SABADO GIGANTE". Anyway, I did a hell of a lot of things last month (like win TOOBIN' in the arcade on two quarters)... but seeing that WHEN BATS ATTACK special wasn't one of them.

I guess that's why I was so stoked about seeing BATS when it fluttered its furry rodent ass into theaters last week. NOTC shaolin pimp co-conspirator MR. PAUL also wanted to go see it, but I think it was only because he heard that Jennifer Lopez hits a camel in the dick with a pie at the very end. Even the sturdy oak known as OOKLA THE MOK traversed the harsh steppe to go see the flick with us, but half way through the picture he realized that Lou Diamond Philips wasn't going to get naked and breakdance... so he went home and lit a brush fire in his mama's panties instead.

Anyway: about the goddamn movie. The plot goes a little something like this:

Killer bats attack a small town.

That's it. That's the joke. Want more? Whore.

A top secret military laboratory has been playing dirty tricks on mother nature. First they put fake dog doo on her porch. Now, the sorcerers of death's construction have created a strain of killer bat that is super-intelligent, super-strong, and supersonic. These savage mutants have infiltrated the cliffs surrounding the small west Texas town of Gallup and have begun attacking the inhabitants. It's up to Sherrif Lou-Diamond Phillips and his band of merry batologists to serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law, and kick it Old School with Robocop at his Haunted House Party. After weathering a massive battack inside a fortified high-school, they use Yahoo Maps to locate the abandoned (Thundrilium) mine that the super bats are using as their roost. They gear up with space-suits and lasers and shit, and descend into the guano-filled caverns to erradicate the furry fucking menace once and for all.

Of course, it's difficult to do this film any justice in a standard review-type format. Hell, it's difficult to do this movie any justice without putting the director in the fucking gas chamber. That's why I've included our handy NOTC BATS SCORECARD. It's what we used to determine what this fucking flick received. Now you fags at home can keep score with the Creeps, just like you do for VH-1's ROCK 'n' ROLL JEOPARDY. Let's play the feud!

THE BATS SCORECARD