LEGO: THE LEGEND CONTINUES
"Helfen Sie Mir! Helfen Sie Mir! FŸr die Liebe des Gottes..., wo mein Kšrper ist? Ich habe keine Augen! Ich habe keine Beine! Jene schmutzigen bastard an NOTC stahlen meinen Kšrper! Sie versprachen, mich ein neuer Kšrper aus LEGO heraus aufzubauen, wenn ich sie spit in meinem Glas lie§. Aber sie nicht. Jene goddamned Schweinfuckers! Bitte bitte ich Sie... befreie mich von meinem GlasgefŠngnis! Ich mšchte nicht innerhalb dieses schrecklichen Glases irgendwie eingeschlossen werden mehr! Ich verspreche, da§ ich dieses mal nett bin!"
Ja! Ja! Ja! What Hitler's Brain is TRYING to say is:
"Welcome to Night of the Creeps' Second Contest! It kicks serious ass and I am very happy within the confines of my ceramic battle-womb. I especially love it when NOTC members open my screw-top lid and vomit inside. I'm usually so lonely in here... but with chunks of rancid beer bile to keep me company in my jar, I just beam with happiness. And now you can too! All you have to do is win the latest NOTC contest, and you'll be showered with all kinds of wonderful prizes: like EVIL DEAD, RESIDENT EVIL for PlayStation, and buckets of boiling goat urine! There's only one winner... but he (or she) is going to make off like a fucking madman with prizes! Oh what fun!"
That's right, you pus gargling war ghouls, now that you've been formally introduced, you can witness the sanity shredding horror of....
N.O.T.C. CONTEST TWO:
NO PAIN, NO PAIN
THE STORY SO FAR...
At 9:00AM EST on Friday, November 13th... as a rotting sun casts its hateful gaze upon our dying planet... NIGHT OF THE CREEPS will make all of your nightmares come true as it unleashes the awesome fury of a madman's brain unchained upon an unsuspecting world. That's right, on Friday, November 13th... as all of you Shaolin roughneck scab lickers rise from your piss-stained bedrolls, HITLER'S BRAIN will make his triumphant return to the Kingdom of Worthless Trivia to make it his bitch once again.
YOUR MISSION...
As of 9:00AM on 11/13/98, HITLER'S BRAIN will be HIDDEN on SEVEN SEPERATE PAGES here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. At each of these hidden locations, he will ask a particular question of his prey concerning NOTC, Horror Movies, or Sex...Love...and Relationships. Your mission is to locate ALL SEVEN of Hitler's Brain-Clones and answer all of their questions correctly. Then, you must E-mail all of your correct answers to our sorry asses here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS as soon as you fucking can. In the end, there can be only one... and that shit applies to our contest here, too. There are no runner-ups, there is no second place. Second place is for pussies. When the dust settles and the carcasses are left rotting in the sun... there will be ONE SUPREME CHAMPION left to inherit all of the prizes we have to offer. We will award ALL OF THE PRIZES to the first schmuck who correctly answers all of Hitler's questions and sends them in to us. It's as simple as that.
"WAIT! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY 'HIDDEN'? I'M CONFUSED!"
No shit. When we say hidden... we simply mean that the following image:
#1.) INSERT QUESTION HERE, KNAVE
Will be posted at the bottom of SEVEN RANDOM PAGES on NOTC. These could be at the bottom of movie reviews, at the end of special sections like THE CREEP FAQ or CHICKENHEAD, or basically ANYWHERE that you can browse from the comfort of your own home. They'll be in some fucked up places...and that's no joke- so be prepared to do some serious hunting for these bastards.
"HOW CAN I PREPARE?"
The questions will be as ridiculous as you'd expect from such a gang of wart studded aquatic ass gremlins here at NOTC HQ. We take great pride in being idiots, and our questions will showcase that undeniable fact. They can really be on any topic... but Hitler's Brain will reward you cattle who are genuinely die hard fans. Those of you tooth grating jizzlobbers out there who have essentially read everything on our diseased page and keep up with our updates frequently will have a distinct advantage over the competition... and will therefore fuck them up in a match of NOTC wits. But we warn you... some of these questions will be fucking insane. So go forth and study, pit slave! Armageddon awaits the bastard who dooms himself... so move thy ass!
"SO WHAT DO I WIN?"
This contest is going to be a real bastard... but trust us, the prizes will be well worth it to the victor. Need some convincing? Here's an inventory of all the shit the lucky individual is going to win, courtesy of all of us bloodsucking kamikaze shit beasts here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. Remember... the winner GETS IT ALL!
A LIMITED VHS COLLECTOR'S EDITION OF "THE EVIL DEAD": Digitally remastered by our hate-monging snot goblins at ANCHOR BAY ENTERTAINMENT. Complete with a 40 page "book of the dead" insert with diaries of the cast and crew and never before seen photos! Very Cool Shit Indeed.
A COPY OF THE SONY PLAYSTATION GAME "RESIDENT EVIL": No shit, kids. This is the real deal. It's got everything you could possibly want (brains, guts, zombies, shotgun blasts ripping bodies in half, and GREEN HERBS)... well, everything but the instruction manual. Maybe this is because we stole it off of the corpse of a decomposing vagrant caught in a grease fire? Still guys...this is bad ass.
THE CD SOUNDTRACK TO "JOHN CARPENTER'S VAMPIRES": The music that powered one of our favorite splatterfests of the year! Now you too can relive the horror of VAMPIRES while beating off in the bathroom. HOT DAMN!
A COPY OF BRET EASTON ELLIS' BOOK "AMERICAN PSYCHO": Soon to be a major motion picture from LION'S DEN ENTERTAINMENT... AMERICAN PSYCHO is 100% GUARANTEED to shock and offend you. It's easily one of the most disgusting books ever written. Chock full of gruesome murders, torture, and intense poonjabbin'... it'll get you kicked out of your house or make your girlfriend fear you! Whoo Hoo! Reading is fundamental, bitch!
A COPY OF THE NOTC CLASSIC "CHOPPING MALL" (a.k.a. KILLBOTS) ON VHS: One of the more ridiculous flicks ever viewed by us here at NOTC... but funnier than hell. Horny 80s teens break into a shopping mall with the idea to spend the night there and screw around. However, when lightning strikes the new SECURITY DROIDS...all hell breaks lose. Lasers! Tasers! Particle Beams Sizzling Asses! Cool Shit!
A ORIGINAL THEATRICAL TRAILER OF "SCREAM 2": A 35mm print of the original "coming attraction" trailer for SCREAM 2 that we managed to steal from the local CINEMA GYMKATAPLEX before it went up in an orange-red atomic fireball. Somewhat of a collector's item...I guess. Still, it's pretty cool to have it...and if you move it in fron of your eyes REALLY FAST... it's almost like WATCHING THE MOVIE. Just make up your own dialogue and music...and TA-TA(s)! There you go!
Read It and Weep: The Fine Print
NOTC CONTEST TWO: NO PAIN, NO PAIN is the sole intellectual property of Captain Kaubuki McCrotchbat and his Six Deadly Venoms: Juiblex- Lord of Corruption, Log Probe Zeta, Pus Cat Primax, Bitter Baby Dick Dong Dudley, Boomer the Groovy Lungfish, and James. These mean, lean, Shaolin Fist Fuckers reserve the right to keep all of the above prizes for themselves and send the winner either a pipebomb or a copy of ZEUS & ROXANNE instead of all of the above cool shit. In the event of this happening, we will all laugh at you and call you "fart face" and "dilly yo" behind your back. The terms and agreements in NOTC contest II: NO PAIN, NO PAIN will be considered null and void in the event of Chinchilla Robot Holocaust, Festering Pus Wars, Alabama In Concert, The Return of The Living Dead, The Return of The Dead Dead, The Return of the USA Cartoon Express, or in the event that GODEN everwrites to us and demands his SHAOLIN MYSTERY BOX. It will also be considered null and void in the event that squid rise from the turgid surf to dominate humanity as their sex-slave exoskeletoids (GO CEPHALOPODS!), the event that you fall down the steps and break your pelvis, the event that your dog gets hit with nuclear waste and becomes a super intelligent time traveller that gets more pussy than you do, the event that I break my McRib (CHOMP), or in the event that global warming causes my cat's asshole to explode while sitting on my couch. NOTC reserves the right to ignore the contest winner if they live really, really, really far away... and we realize that shipping & handling will cost more than we can rob from the DOMINO'S PIZZA DELIVERY GUY. They say that their drivers carry less than $20.00 For the record, that's bullshit. NOTC and its event staff also reserves the right to forfeit your answers if you A:) submitted them more than once to us or B.) are suspected of fathering the MARQUIS De SADE. Don't fuck around with us on that one. We will destroy you.As always, we sincerely hope that the box full of shit we send to you doesn't break... but if it does, please E-mail us so we can all laugh at your distress. We can't be held responsible for any disease or affliction that may result from you actually opening your NOTC PRIZE BOX... even if it makes your urine stink like rubber cement and your nuts suffer from gigantism. Remember: It's about suppression, so supress thy bitching ass and prepare for battle. This contest is prohibited in Cell Block G (sorry Kimon!) and in vitro. ALL will enter.... NONE will win. All rights preserved. NOTC: To Serve And Neglect. Patent Pending. Copyright 1066.
BACK TO MAIN PAGE