Flash forward to today, and we find playing "Magic the Gathering" and
beating off to the Backstreet Boys. You sad, sad fuck. Good thing Pandar
can't see you, or he would smack you so hard the Pope would shit nachos.
However, I can see you, and daaammmnn, dogg, you lame. Your girlfriend
would say the same, but she's busy gobbling cock for money. And hey, I just
happen to have some change.
So let's have some "you" time. You want to stop being picked on? You're
sick of getting towel-whipped in the locker room? You want to get rid of
those festering boils on your scrotum? Then sit your ass down, and watch
what Pandar was wrought on our soggy asses. Behold, rancid cock roadies of
the Monsters of Rock, the glory of "The Story of Ricky." Now watch it,
before your Furby accuses you of shitting in the urinals again.
(INFORMATION: Most of you bitches out there will say that "The Story of
Ricky" is not a horror movie, but a Kung-Fu movie. But most of you bitches
would also say that seal clubbing is a terrible act. I would have to
disagree with you on both cases, and then I'd smack your bitch up and take
your clitberry pop-tarts.)
Our tale begins in the near future, where prisons are corporation owned.
Inmates, aside from the daily anal blasting and corn nog meals (now a
staple food in little Cambodia), also get to build cheap shit for the Man.
Led by a corrupt Warden and his retarded son, this place sucks more ass
then backstage at the Village People. So enter our hero: Ricky. He's a bad
fucker, let me tell you. Skilled in the deadly art of Whoopass and
possessing more strength than a gorilla hopped up on smack, Ricky kicks ass
all throughout the prison. He's strong, he's fast. He even has a handful of
once-fired bullets lodged in his chest, that he keeps there as "souvenirs."
He's so dreamy.
Since the entire movie is pretty much people getting torn apart, I'll speak
of the highlights. Ricky punches right through some fat guy's stomach,
causing his guts to pour out like a goddamn waterfall. When fighting some
guy named Taizan, Ricky punches the guy's flying fist and splatters it!
Ricky also hits some guy so hard his eye pops out, only to have some crows
eat it. He even throws the one-eyed, hook handed fatass of an Assistant
Warden down a flight of stairs. He's faster than bullets, stronger than
fuck and totally in-your-face.
This movie is definitely kick-ass, but there is one scene that stands out.
Like when the alien busts out of that guy's chest or Paul Reuben busted
into your sister's ass, this is something you need a good, clear mental
picture of. The scene I'm speaking of is the legendary X-Ray Punch. Already
noted in detail elsewhere on this site, this is regarding a scene where
Ricky fights some guy in the courtyard. Somehow the guy winds up upside
down in midair, and Ricky delivers this punch of legend. As his iron punch
hits the guy's meat helmet, the screen flashes to an x-ray, where we see
the guy's skull get crushed. I had no idea that was coming, so I launched
beer out of my nose and pissed myself when I saw it. It's over so quickly,
but the memory still lasts a lifetime.
In the end, you realize that you've just witnessed one of the greatest
things ever to come out of the Movie Industry. You'll never watch another
Kung-Fu movie the same way, or even watch TV the same way. So beat up the
retard down the block, take his milk money, and go out and buy this damn
movie. Nobody wants your excuses, your lies or your fucking venereal
diseases. Now go watch this piece of history, before I send a pack of
Gypsies to your house to take your pants.
-Ranky the Dwarf
Ode to a shotgun shit:
RANKY THE DWARF: "Except for the lack of naked chicks, this movie
has everything you need. Lots of blood, flying body parts and a glass eye
full of mints. Now represent, motherfucker!"
Crith Fong: "More fun than tea-bagging the homeless on
Thanksgiving!!!"
Dirty Sanchez: "When I saw the electric monkey monkey death fist
to the skull, I left Rank master Flash's mom as cream filled as a twinky.
The only problem is the complete lack of titty. So just keep a few ho's
around to keep you busy during the slow parts. But don't worry, you'll need
to replace the rewind button before this shit storm is over."
You mom gave me head,
your anus is (black and) blue,
if you watch the story of Riki
you'll drop an elephant sized shit, too.