NUDE FOR SATAN
Year: 1974
Rated: UNRATED... and unpasturized
Run Time: 87 minutes
Production Company: Redemption Films
Director: Paolo Solvay
Starring:Rita Calderoni, James Harris, Iolanda Mascitti, Stephen Hawking
T & A: Check the Title
Rock Out : With Your Cock Out

Do you remember Christmas before daddy hit the bottle? Waking up early, stepping over the condom wrappers and animal feces, and opening your present wrapped in Penthouse pages? It was that thing you always wanted, and when you got it, you found that it sucked? I know that feeling. Your brand new toy sucks ass for the most part, but there are a few things cool about it. Like when you found your Commodore 64 could fuck with pacemakers, or your He-Man glow sword doubled as a Buggerin' stick. It's not that bad, little Billy. You just have to find out what's good about something shitty, just like the promoters of the Special Olympics (keep reaching for the stars!). The above concept came in handy with this movie. For the most part, a film like this would have been slam-dunked into Rosie O'donnel's gaping pubic valley, but a few scenes earned the rating. One was the intro. The film began with a scene that is still strong in Ranky's mind. Within seconds of sitting my ripe ass on the couch, I was greeted to tits. Not small or lopsided (as were the majority in movies at the time), but a true pair of excellent love globes. As my jaw dropped and my shorts rose, I realized the hands caressing them so violently were not her own, but were those of the topless lesbian vampire bitch behind her! To make it a true horror event, the toothy bushbeast was chomping on Jiggles' neck, causing the red groovy to pour over her luscious tits. As shouts of acceptance echoed across the rancid shithole of my room, I came to realize something. This wasn't even part of the actual movie: this was the fucking advertisement trailer for Redemption, the film company! While I was slightly disappointed that this wasn't part of the actual movie, I learned that I should trust every goddamn thing that comes from Redemption films.

After the beginning faded, a naked woman ran across a field. By now, I realized that I probably got exactly what I paid for, and couldn't be happier. After my last purchasing fiasco (the abysmal low budget spooge weasel 'Raiders of the Living DeadŒ), I felt validated that this movie wouldn't suck llama cock. Yeah, it was pretty low budget (the camera work and special effects looked like a bunch of bums funded this skinfest), but that was the only problem. Right after I thought that, I came to a most terrible realization. First, I forgot to take my hot pocket out of the Eazy-Bake Oven. Secondly, I wasn't hearing English. Yellow text cruised across the bottom of the screen, and all I heard were clicking sounds. This goddamn movie was in Italian!

Now Ranky likes a few things in life: his women hot, his beer cold, his rap to be keeping it real, and his fucking movies in English. If I gave a crap about some foreign language film (except for 'Latin Lovelies take it hard volumes 2 ÷ 7), I would actually send money to those glue sniffing arthouse fudgepackers who makes them. The fact that this cinematic jizzcake had no mentioning that all the dialogue would be in Funny Talk caused my fists to raise in anger and beat the shit out of my Rock-em Sock-em robots. But then some chick took her clothes off, and I quieted down.

In fact, that's how most of the movie is. You'll sit through some of the worst acting in film history, and will be just about ready to shut the damn thing off and go to Arby's, when a chick winds up naked on screen. There's a part where the Devil stares at the main girl, and her clothes vanish. Two girls go for a flesh feast under what looks like dryer sheets. The main girl took a bath standing up, and then the towel girl got the nasty on with her right there. It was like all the scenes you felt other movies needed, just all bunched in between crappy dialogue.

One of the true highlights of this bizarre clump of camel shit is the Spider scene. The main chick goes through a strange doorway and into darkness, only to fall into a giant spider web. Her clothes already torn, she cries out for help. Then the creature shows up. Now before I mention this piece of special effects history, I have to say I've seen a lot of bad monsters in my day: giant slugs, bizarre squid beasts and even Barbara Walters getting it hard and savage from a wildebeest. But this is the worst. The damn spider looked like a giant pelvic bush with pipe cleaners for arms, and shiny red buttons for eyes. It was lowered down on a fucking prop line, and landed on the supple body of our captive. This part would have caused immediate VCR shutoff and tape extraction, if not for two reasons: the spider was trying to get some lovin', and your mama's a ho. Besides, just as the bug was about to get it sweet, the hero runs down the steps with a gun and shoots the hairy fucker off her. The damn thing explodes into flames, and sets the whole room right up. Just like when Jennifer Lopez sucked me off while I played Megaman back in the day, this is something I'll tell my grankids about.

The movie ends with a fucked up orgy, including the skinniest girl on the planet dancing naked for the Devil. I won't tell you how the movie finally concludes, but it wasn't anything to shit over. In general, it wasn't good as a whole, but some parts stand out as classic. As a movie, it only works with a bunch of gas huffing retarded ass dwarves who really like bad horror. Still, with the way the horror industry is having its salad tossed lately, this is a welcome break from the Urban Legends and Screams. If you want good lovin', watch 'Nude for Satan.ΠMe, I'll just go to your mama's house with a license to fill.

-Ranky the Dwarf